November 20, 2001

Remembering Robbie

In my heart, I knew on Friday. I didn't want to admit to myself what I knew, but Robbie was hell-bent that we would have a goodbye. So he engineered it.

I had given him a doggie treat, and realized he probably was ready for a drink of water. He had been having some troubles with his back legs, and since mine were working okay, I went across the room and got the water bowl for him. This was sorta funny, because Robbie was spoiled. He adored being waited on and pampered, and Wendy and I had lots of spoiled-dog jokes going. Anyway, part of the spoiling was in the last month or so, I would occasionally bring him his water bowl after bringing him a treat.

But Friday was different. Friday, Robbie needed me to hold the bowl a little above the floor so he could drink. I thought he was playing games with me until I put the bowl down for a moment and he couldn't quite lean far enough forward to get to it. I only put it down so I could get the rest of the way down on the floor---I had been kneeling on one knee, and that was beginning to hurt.

And as I picked the bowl back up so he could drink some more, it dawned on me just exactly what bad shape he was in. And I started to cry. Very gently and softly, because I didn't want to upset him, but I was just overwhelmed with the sadness of his situation, and for that matter, of mine in terms of the loss to come soon. I didn't expect it to be as soon as Monday, but when I heard, that didn't surprise me. It was his time.

Wendy had been out of her office for that bit of time (probably about five minutes; I wasn't paying much attention), and when she came back in, she didn't ask why I was crying. She just handed me the tissue box and let me regain some composure. After I had calmed down, Wendy asked me if I was sensing something new that perhaps she hadn't sensed yet. I told her that I didn't think so, but that I thought the seriousness of Robbie's condition had sunk in for me. I told her about the water bowl incident, and she, of course, knew that was significant.

Robbie looked me in the eyes about that point, and I knew he was making sure I was paying careful attention to him. He also waited for me to tell him that I loved him, which I did tell him. Then we just had some quiet moments while I petted the front paw closer to me.

Robbie had these beautiful, very large paws. Had he been a little more rambunctious, he could have hurt someone with them, without meaning to do it. But instead, he was more inclined to play pat-a-cake.

When I first knew him, back in the summer of 1998, Robbie was in need of having eucalyptus drops put in his ears every week or so, to help with a wax problem. I wound up being the designated ear person, because I was a veteran of ear drops. It was my pleasure to warm the drops by letting the dropper rest in my hand till it was body temperature. That kept the fluid from being such a shock going in, and made the whole thing less unpleasant for Robbie than if I had let them stay cold. After the first couple of encounters, Robbie decided he could trust me with his ears, especially since I was well-enough trained to understand that he needed a doggie treat after the ear treatment.

It was clear to me that it was a compliment that Robbie trusted me. It meant that I was completely acceptable as his Aunt Becky, too, even if he did decide later on that I couldn't drive to his specifications.

And, of course, it meant a lot to me that Wendy brought him to work, and that she trusted me to work on his ears and otherwise be Aunt Becky.

Robbie did me one last favor, by the way---I had dreaded the possibility that he might have to be euthanized on my birthday. I had said earlier in the month that if it were possible to avoid that, it would mean a lot to me. See, not only was it my birthday, it was his half-year birthday. I was glad we got to share that day, too.

So the boy and I had our Robbie-engineered goodbye on Friday, without my quite knowing it. When Wendy called yesterday to let me know what was going to happen, the first thing I said was that I was sorry. The second was that I was so glad I had had Friday with him. We left each other that afternoon knowing in no uncertain terms that there was a lot of love between us, and that the bond would remain, no matter our locations.

And it will.